Hey Xi, how’s it hangin? Can I call you Xi? We’ve never met, but I’m just as American as anyone else in America, and I assume you already have your opinion of what we’re like over here.
BTW, I’ll skip this whole *Pandemic unpleasantness* for now. I’m sure that will come up later through one investigation or another. Right now it’s all he said Xi said.
So things have gotten a little tense with Mr. Trump, eh? Well, he’s not as easygoing as some of our other politicians. Surely you can appreciate this grand Chess game — being one of the players hoping to win, right?
About Huawei — listen, you have to look at it from our perspective. We already have valid reasons not to trust China — as long as the CCP is in power (which will change soon enough) — but surely it would be foolish for *any* country to build a huge part of it’s next-generation infrastructure using hardware from a Communist country, which could potentially have backdoors in it. We know you don’t really care about TikTok so much as you do testing facial recognition, and we know you don’t care about the average internet user’s web history either. We both know it goes well beyond that.
Personally, I think you likely got a little jealous over our project with Israel that totally screwed up Iran’s nuclear enrichment facilities. You do have to admit, that was pretty sweet. But don’t try that crap here — we Americans may not be the smartest citizens in the world, but we DO have some of the smartest guys and gals where it counts — and we’ll gladly listen to them when they tell us not to buy Chinese products for various reasons.
I mean, it was kind of shitty of you guys to steal Intellectual Property from American companies. If you’re so smart, can’t you guys just figure that stuff out for yourselves? You want to be the top economy by when, 2025? You get there by using good old-fashioned hard work — just like Americans did. If you’re not up to the task, maybe you don’t have what it takes to be the number one economy.
America isn’t like other countries — everyone knows this. It’s great you had some success using free market methods in places like Hong Kong, and we think you should do that throughout your whole country — all of mainland China. Of course, ultimately a free market takes free individuals to run it — not shills propped up by your Communist Party money. Money can buy a lot of things — but it can’t buy Americans’ trust.
Just between you and me, did Jack Ma voluntarily give the CCP control of Alibaba? Or was that some kind of coercion?
You think it takes a lot for us to be distrustful of immigrants? That’s right, you guys have a wall already, so you know. Trump is probably a little envious of China for that, at least. But as any American will tell you plainly — we have no problem with the Chinese People — we do have a problem with the CCP. I mean, you guys are taking organs out of prisoners over there. You have concentration camps with Muslim Uighurs in them. Americans had their moment with Muslims, sure — but we got over it. Concentration camps are something we are DEFINITELY NOT COOL WITH.
Hopefully you realize, I’m aware of these things not by being part of some high-level security agency — I’m just a regular American that enjoys access to Freedom of the Press, just as I wrote this letter with my right to Free Speech. You know that we all have access to this stuff here, right? Our internet isn’t censored.
We’re already aware of the ways you are trying to slip into not only our country, but others, with money and propaganda. You may assume we are doing the same to China, but I’ll tell you a secret:
America doesn’t need propaganda; fighting for hearts and minds is easy, because every human being has a heart and every human being has their own mind. Freedom sells itself. Your people would want to be free even if America didn’t exist. The surest way to get American freedom to creep into the minds of your people is to just keep being a Communist regime that people no longer want to be ruled by.
That’s working smarter, not harder.
Anyway, just thought I’d touch base while your regime was still clinging together, however desperately. It will be a grand day when the CCP falls, certainly it will happen seemingly overnight, as these things do. Much like the Soviet Union perhaps — here one day, then *poof*. Russian life might not be great today, but they’re probably happier than they were back then. You could always ask them, since you’re like, BFF’s with Putin now.
In fact, you’re trying to make a bunch of friends, and you’re making deals for oil to be paid in Yuan, not in US Dollars. Slow down there — you just became part of the WTO in 2001 — and part of the deal was to become more democratic, which everyone is still waiting on. Even more recently, you got the Renmibi included in the IMF’s basket of currencies — but we created the IMF, so we kind of called the shots at the time — the US Dollar it would be.
Let your people go, President Jinping. You can either choose to go down in history as the president that had the balls to free your country — or the president that was there when the CCP fell on its own, and China descended into chaos. Either way, America will be there to pick up the pieces — that’s what we do.
a typical American